A release

2 months, 22 days old

I had high hopes when starting this blog that it would be about all the milestones and happy times and fun stuff in our lives but right now that is not my reality.

Barrett started daycare this week.

I'm miserable.

I started back at work last week but was lucky enough to have Aunt Rachel volunteer to stay with us to watch B for the first week. I was 75% fine with starting back at work because of this. I, obviously, didn't want to go but I was okay with it. No tears, no real stress, a bit of sadness and off to work I went. I was able to get hourly updates on how he was doing so it wasn't the worst thing ever to be away from him. I've left him quite a few times in the past. I could do this.

Yesterday morning arrived, and again, I was fine. Joe went into the office late so he was able to help me with the first drop off. B was great that morning and slept through our quick goodbyes. No tears. We're all good. The day went by slow. I missed him mostly because I wasn't hearing about how his day was going like I usually can. I ended up sneaking out about 20 minutes early to pick him up because I was getting antsy.

I get into his room. As soon as his teacher gets up and hands him to me, I could tell he had a bad day. His eyes were so red and he looked so sad. As she handed him to me, he started crying and I pretty much lost it. It was like he was relieved to see me and sad that I left him there. I can't describe it. I keep playing that over and over in my head. I can't shake it.

I hurry to get him into his seat and out of there while trying to avoid his teacher who is updating me on his day. I just wanted to leave. I walk out of the building with tears streaming down my face and was pretty much inconsolable for 3 hours. I can't even imagine how awful I must have looked when Joe walked in the door after work. He probably thought someone had died.

So that's where we're at. Almost 24 hours later and I've been crying all day. He is back at school and I composed myself just long enough to take him into his classroom. Joe pretty much mandated that he pick him up today but I really want to leave here early again and get him myself.

I really hate this.